Might not get the light fixture up before dinner.

I finally ordered a light fixture to replace this.  It took me forever to find what I wanted in my price range.

This is really what I wanted (Lamps Plus).  Too pricey.

I decided to settle for an Open Box item at 1/8 the price of what I wanted:

ALL SALES ARE FINAL - ENOUGH SAID

So my fixture arrived today, fresh with the Return Authorization from one Sturr Barton (location unknown) written in Sharpie on the side of the box.  I decided to try to hang it before dinner.

Hello.  I am here.  Put me up before dinner. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I opened the box and found that the hardware was in a zip-lock bag.  I am going to go ahead and assume that Sturr Burton (location unknown) provided the zip-lock bag-o-hardware. Clue #1 that I would not get it hung before dinner.

Well Traveled but Home at Last.  Because you can't return me.

Next, I took out the instructions.  Only the last page was included.  That's the page where they tell you how to put the lightbulbs in and hang the shades.  Clue #2 that I would not get it hung before dinner.

I noticed the wires had a warning on them that they are made of a substance that has been possibly proven to cause cancer in California.  I don't live in Cali, but I took this as an omen.  Definitely clue #3 that I would not get it hung before dinner.  

Then, I began taking down the old chandelier.  There was no electric box and all wires were (I assume) attached in the attic.   It is kind of hard to tell where the wires are seeing that there is only one tiny hole with which to peer. Clue #4 that I would not get it hung before dinner.

The dark circle is just what didn't get painted around the old chandelier canopy.  There is no electric box with wires.

I tried to pry off the long center wooden panel on the ceiling to find the electric box.  I couldn't dismantle it because I had painted it together.  Clue #5 that I would not get it hung before dinner.

I climbed in the attic to see if I saw any wires.  I looked at what I thought must be this part of the ceiling, (it is hard to get your bearings in the attic) and found a mound of insulation in an unlit section of the attic.  I pictured myself falling through the wooden panels and landing on the dining table.  I retreated to stable ground. Clue #6 that I would not get it hung before dinner.
 
I tried to figure it out and rig it to the ceiling.  I realized that I am not that handy and there is no room for the mounting hardware (assuming that said hardware even exists in the zip-lock baggie from unknown location) BECAUSE THERE IS NO ACCESSIBLE ELECTRIC BOX.  HAVE I MENTIONED THAT???? Clue #1 that I would not get it hung EVER.

Oh, contractor???  I have a little item to add to our upcoming kitchen renovation.

Remember me?  I might have been cheaper in the end.